Daniel

Princes park is enlightened by a blue sky and sunshine. It seems that when the sun is shining there are more people that can afford living ‘the park life’ than when the sky is gray. There are only small patches of grass covered by shade, most of the grass is enlightened and bright. Right in the middle of the park, where the sun is clearly present, sits a girl wearing a woolen green sweater with patterns of white flowers around the shoulders.

Her name is Rachel. She lies down on the grass and tries to find a comfortable position. She is never entirely comfortable. She covers her face with a green scarf and tries to step into a dream. But Dogma, her black Labrador sniffs her face before she gets the opportunity to fall asleep. She lifts her upper body and sits down again. She checks her phone for messages. No one has tried to contact her.
Today she took a day off. For no good reason she feels nostalgic today. She enjoys the atmosphere in the park: the silence of the space, the birds’ chirping and the light breeze.

She writes a text message to her ex lover, she misses him. He normally, does not answer her messages. He lives in Darwin now. He won’t admit it, but he left Melbourne because of her.
She puts on her sunglasses, hoping to hide her moist eyes. She’s been alone for two years now. She is alone because of herself, because she was not able to love fully. She was not able to feel content in that relationship; she counted her love to Daniel as if love could be measured by quantities, and this, this constant counting frustrated her.

Daniel dissevers better. He is the type of guy that's loved by most people. Everyone who meets Daniel adores him immediately and desires his company. Except Rachel. She was not able to appreciate him in this way. She wasn’t able to stand behind him all the way through. She wasn’t able to commit just to him.

When Daniel got the job in Darwin he insisted she will make a choice. It was moving to Darwin with him and by that committing only to him or staying in Melbourne without him. She could have moved with him. There was nothing stopping her from doing so beside her own uncertainty about Daniel.

Daniel works as a sound technician. He left his parents’ house as soon as he could and celebrated his 18’s birthday in a share house in St. Kilda. While living near the beach and being surrounded by restless young people he celebrated his independence and adult life. For a few years he used to go out almost every night and in fact sleep around with many different types of women. It was a period in his life.

However, after a while he got over it. He gradually desired more and more to be with one person, one person only. Perhaps one beautiful and kind girl who will take care of him and will be there for him when he feels happy or when he feels sad. He wanted to go back home to a soul mate who will want him there, who will have things to tell him, who will want to listen to his tails. Then, when he was ready for a steady relationship, he met Rachel. The first three months with Rachel were the most beautiful months in his life.

He saw her three times before he had the opportunity to spend time alone with her. The first time they met was in a random house party near the city; they met on the dance floor and danced together for at least two hours. She was the most energetic and glamorous girl on the dance floor, everyone was looking at her. She closed her eyes and swung to the sound of tracks from the 70’s. She was tall, almost as tall as him, and had large bright green eyes.

He stared at her, waiting for her to open her eyes so he could look at them. Whenever she would open her eyes, she would smile to him. He bought her a glass of whiskey with no ice. That night she wore a tight black jeans and a navy blue top. He was amazed that she could look so elegant wearing simple clothes. In the end of that evening it was Rachel who actually asked Daniel if they could exchange phone numbers. They exchanged numbers yet it was him who called her a couple of days later. He invited her for dinner at his house along with four other friends. She came to his house and was happy and talkative; she got along well with his mates and liked the home made tomato sauce he had prepared.

The third time they met it was Rachel who invited Daniel to a screening at a friend’s place. Her friend had prepared two double mattresses near each other with a lot of pillows on them. Rachel’s friends hang out on the mattresses. They were this kind of hippies from the ‘touching’ kind.

In the screening there was him, two other guys, and four girls. They lay on each other, one person’s head on another person’s lap. Daniel was more of a shy character when it came to physical contact. He never actually knew how to go about touch. He lied on his back next to Rachel without touching anybody. Instead of watching he prayed during the entire movie that he will get to feel Rachel’s warmth. In the middle of the film Rachel leaned her head on his shoulder. That was all the touching there was, but feeling her made him emotional, that night he fell in love.

Daniel’s mind was agitated. At 2am, while seated in a taxi on the way home, he got a text message from Rachel: “twas good to see you tonight, note your dancing moves!”

He answered: “Thanks for having me.”

When he got home. He was passionate, excited, anxious. He thought about every single thing that had happened. He analyzed every word or touch he shared with Rachel. He even wrote a poem in his diary:

A storm of feelings
Is it the kind of storm that passes after a couple of days?
I hope this love can come true
Probably not
Tiredness, anxiousness and soberness make me feel lost
I wish we could cuddle in each others arms

At 2.30am at night he still couldn’t sleep, he could not handle his perturbed mind, so he wrote his thoughts down in his diary as they came through, bothering his mind, thought by thought:

“I wonder why she told me to ‘note my dancing moves’, we haven’t gone dancing tonight, we haven’t made any plans to go dancing, what did she mean? Why didn’t she just wish me good night? Why did she not kiss me goodbye when I left to go home? I was quiet and shy the entire evening, what did she think of me? Does she still like me? Does she like girls or boys? Was there a hidden sign in her enthusiasm when I told her that I would have liked to live in Brunswick too? (This is where she lives). Did she hope we will find ourselves in the same tent when I talked about my trip to the outback? Did I upset her when I asked her for a lot of details about her own planed trip to the outback? (She didn’t know most of the answers, she still had to check it out, she said). Did I give her the impression that I am a nerd by writing her only a short and polite reply to her text message? Does she think that I’m square and conservative? (I don’t hug my friends in the same way that she does). Will I be able to share her cuddles, touch and love with other people? Will I be satisfied with the love she may offer me? Will this love ever be given to me? Did she expect me to initiate touch when her head touched my shoulder? Was I supposed to grab her hand? Hug her? What was I supposed to do? I wish I knew what I was supposed to do. Did she want to let me know that she likes me by giving me compliments? (She told me that I was intelligent and funny). I wish I knew what she meant. She gave me compliments, which I cannot remember. I can only remember that she told me that I was cute. She said: cute, intelligent and funny. What else did she say? Did she really watch the movie? While I was thinking of her? (During the entire movie I was thinking of her, of her touch and my actions; I haven’t followed the movie at all). Will she dream about me tonight? By telling her that I haven’t had a girlfriend for a long time did she conclude that as she believes, 'it is impossible to find only one person to share your life with?'“

Daniel felt better after writing these questions on paper. He wished he could show it to her one day and laugh about his hesitations together with her. Perhaps it will flatter her and she will give him the answers and explain things. He wished that his hesitations will stay hesitations, yet that this wonderful person will once like him, and maybe love him forever.