This is my first train trip from Gippsland to Melbourne. The bottom of the train windows reach my feet, it is a fancy train. The passengers can see each other’s heads, there are no head rests. It is only 5.30pm yet it’s already dark outside.
An Asian woman is sitting diagonally in front of me. She takes off her high hill shoe and nylon sock, and lays her foot on the opposite seat; her toenails are painted red. She is a small woman, her foot hardly reaches the seat.
Her name is Wanchin. She is married plus 2. She is traveling from Warragul to Melbourne. She has a sever look on her face, she looks sad. Whenever my eyes cross hers she turns her head away; she is looking out the window, on the few apparent industrial lights. From time to time she turns her head to the middle, puffs, and closes her eyes.
Behind her closed eyes she sees her mother who she left behind in Taiwan a long time ago. Wanchin’s father died when she was 8 months old, she never got the chance to meet him. Wanchin’s mother remarried and lived happily although resenting Wanchin for leaving her.
Before Wanchin left Taiwan, she lived in an alternative community just near the southern city Tainan. In Taiwan, it is not very common to leave your parents’ house before you get married. But Wanchin and her best friends decided that they must live as individuals, outside of their parents’ houses, and they wanted to live together.
Wanchin’s group of friends consisted of 2 boys: David and Sifong, and 4 girls: Jill, Alvy, Lee and Wanchin. They were a group of young people from Taipei; in their 20’s, idealistic and activists.
David and Jill had been together for 4 years already. They loved each other deeply and had no doubts about their relationship. Wanchin and Sifong formed the second couple in the group.
Sifong used to smoke recklessly, one rollie after the other, he was a champion in rolling champion rollies and joints. He used to wear long colorful shirts that reached his knees, with tight leggings; he dressed like a guy that didn’t know he was a guy. He was not sure about his identity as a male but Wanchin loved him anyway, deeply. She expressed her love repeatedly, with no hesitation or fear. She believed this was what Sifong needed. However, Sifong wasn’t able to say the word ‘love’; when Wanchin asked him about it, he used to answer that he was familiar with several types of love and therefore this word was meaningless to him. Wanchin asked him to use another word, so that she could be sure that he had feelings for her. Sifong invented then the expression ‘close the door’. He explained: “when I ask you to ‘close the door’ it means that we will share an intimate moment, it means that I need you, that I need your warmth.
Sifong started to say ‘please close the door’, or ‘let’s close the door’ or ‘we should close the door’ very often. Wanchin liked it a lot in the beginning; she felt that not only had Sifong loved her, but he had also dedicated an exclusive phrase to express it.
At first, the other members of the community did not understand what this phrase meant, but after a while they adopted the expression, and used it as well when they wanted a moment of intimacy with someone. Sifong used it with Wanchin, but also with Alvy and Lee. Wanchin was a little disappointed, ‘closing the door’ did not happen only between her and Sifong, every one could close the door. Sifong could close the door with different people behind it.
Wanchin and her 5 best friends created their own community 40k outside of Tainan. They had bought together land with a one floor old sawing factory building. They found themselves far away from their families and friends, which was difficult yet at the same time a relief. They didn’t have to deal with the criticism and comments related to their alternative community.
They planned to create their shared home in the factory. To begin with they simply divided the space into 6 equally large rooms using colorful curtains. Each community member had his own individual space.
David and Jill decided to use one space as their bedroom, and the other as a music room. They stored their music instruments, computers and notes in that room. The others planned to build a communal shed outside, which will be used as their rehearsal space when they will create music or performances.
Sifong and Wanchin did not pick one shared space for the both of them. “When we will want to sleep together we will, either in your space or in mine, but we don’t need to sleep together every night.” Sifong said to Wanchin while disregarding her upset expression.
There were no doors in this community space. After Lee pointed this out, Sifong stopped saying that the door should be opened or closed. However, Wanchin kept on telling Sifong that she loved him.
Wanchin is happy in the community; she works in the national park in Tainan as a support manager, making sure all visitors of the park are satisfied and enjoying themselves. In the community, they cook together every night; she gets leftovers for lunch, and weekend breakfasts are the best breakfasts ever. When she comes home she gets hugs from her friends, if Sifong is not there to great her, there’s always someone else that will give her attention.
This all works well, but somehow after 4 months living in the community Wanchin starts to feel unsatisfied. She doesn’t know what’s the matter with her, the community has been great, this is a dream that came true, so what’s wrong? She realizes that she gets to spend as much time with Sifong as the other community members; she has to share him, which makes her jealous. She never thought she could be jealous of her best friends, but she wishes to be Sifong’s only best friend. Of course she would be glad to be David and Jill’s best friend, Lee’s best friend, and Alvy’s best friend; she just don’t want them to be as close to Sifong as she is.
One day, while Wanchin takes her late morning coffee outside on the bench beneath the green arch, near the many squirrels that are walking around restlessly, at the national park of Tainan, a white fellow in his mid 30’s approaches her and asks for permission to share the bench with her. She answers “sure”.
He is just a little taller than her, has dark blond hair, and blue eyes. He is not especially handsome, but because he sits quietly near her he intrigues her. She would expect that when someone chooses to sit as close to another person as this fellow does, it is because he wants to make conversation, but this person doesn’t attempt any conversation at all.
He could have chosen another bench, it is true to say that the bench she sat on gets plenty of sunshine, but still she wouldn’t have gone sitting near someone else unless she wanted something from him.
She drinks her coffee extremely solely this morning, she takes a sip and lays down the coffee near her laps, drinks a little bit more, and pauses again. She regrets not having a book or reading material with her; after all she must look busy, she can’t just stare at the air with no purpose. Fortunately, there’s still some more coffee to drink.
The foreign man is eating a sandwich, most of the time he looks down, he seems deep in his thoughts, he doesn’t look like someone who’s eager to have conversation. But why, oh why did he sit near her?
Her coffee break is almost over, she should go back to work, if her boss catches her outside he may think that she always takes longer breaks than accepted. But she cannot leave, she would like to talk to a white man, she has never talked to a white man before. She will not leave before the man leaves.
She looks directly to his face, but he doesn’t seem to care or notice her, he doesn’t look at her, he is in his own world. How can she start a conversation with him? She would like to talk to him. He physically invaded her space, so now she must learn more about him; this is basic human curiosity: ‘have some kind of communication with those who invade your private space.’
She finally comes up with something to say, she will ask him about the sandwich, she is interested to know where you can get sandwiches around the park. As far as she knows you can only get warm dishes around there, rice and noodles, that’s it. She hesitates whether to talk Chinese to him, or English. She decides to try Chinese, after all they are in Taiwan, and her English is not very good.
“Excuse me, may ask you where you got this sandwich?” she asks. He looks at her, with a rather indifferent expression, and says in bad Chinese, “I do not speak Chinese”. Ok she will have to try and ask the same question in English. She thinks a little and finds the right words. He answers with the name of the street where he got the sandwich; a short answer. She does not understand which street it is due to his strong accent, but does not want to shame him, so she decides not to ask again. The conversation has reached a dead end rather quickly. They are quiet again. Damm, a street name is not exactly a fulfilling conversation.
Wanchin hesitates whether she should leave or try another topic. However, what else can she say? They are quiet for a moment, till she finds something else to ask: “Do you mind keeping this seat for me? I will be back in a minute.” “Sure,” he says. She walks to the nearby public toilets, enters the complex and walks back instantly. “Have you seen a man with green uniform pass by?” She asks. Her boss might be walking around the park; she might as well have the man give her this information. “No, I haven’t seen anybody at all, why do you ask?”
Finally! She broke his silence and there is an exchange of words between them, they are having a conversation. “He is my manger and might be looking for me.” “Do you work here?” He enquires, “Yes, I sure do, do you work around here as well?” she answers with a question.
He works around there too, he is a professional dancer, contemporary ballet dancer, and he is dancing for the Tainan contemporary dance company, he has a 6 months contract with them. He comes from Australia, Melbourne, he travels back and forth to Australia regularly to visit his family and friends. “In fact, I’m going back to Australia for a visit in 2 weeks time.” He tells her.
Wanchin loves contemporary dance, she has seen many dance performances, professional and less professional. However, since she hooked up with Sifong she hardly ever goes to see dance; Sifong is not really interested to see ballet performances.
She is excited to talk to a professional dancer, they talk about Asian dance groups, he knows all the big names, but there are some groups Wanchin knows and the Australian fellow doesn’t. She tries to impress him with names although it has been so long ago that she was active in the dance scene; she can’t remember many names.
They chat for another 10 minutes, and then he says, “I’ve got to go, but I’ll give you my email address, there are some interesting events coming up, I can keep you updated.” She gladly inserts his email address into her iPhone address book.
The Australian fellow’s name is Thomas. She is pleased to have met him; she hopes to meet him again soon, perhaps to join him to a dance performance.
The next morning Wanchin writes Thomas a message. She reminds him to update her about upcoming performances. He answers 24 hours later: “I will let you know, could also meet for a drink.” A cold and short message yet hopefully well intended. The fact that he is a dancer makes him much more attractive in her eyes than the image she had of him when he first sat down next to her. After all, he must have a perfect body; a dancer is surely a dancer in his private life as well. She wonders whether he is gay, as many male dancers are - as far as she knows. She wonders what type of relationship he is after, being a white man and all, perhaps he just wants to make some local friends, perhaps friendship is all he needs. ‘Friendship is probably the best scenario for me too’ – she tells herself. While thinking about this ‘best’ scenario, she feels a twitch in her chest, she knows she is lying.
Wanchin and Thomas meet in Tainan for a private house dance performance. It is a friend of Thomas that organizes a one hour duo classic ballet gig at his parents’ villa. Wanchin feels special; she is an exclusive guest among only 30 people that get to see this private performance. The performance is lovely, “I enjoyed every minute, thank you.” She tells Thomas while he drives her back home. That night does not clarify Thomas’s intentions, but in any case she comes to like him, she certainly enjoyed the evening with him.
Sifong lets her know that he is happy for her. “I am glad you met someone passionate about dance, I am happy he is taking you to dance performances, it makes me feel less guilty.” He smiles.
Since the private house performance Thomas and Wanchin meet quite frequently. Thomas does not have many close friends in Tainan yet he is well informed about cultural events in town. He knows about alternative dance events, theater pieces, and exhibition openings. Wanchin calls him her ‘cultural partner’. After all, when a the type of relationship is defined it is easier to understand it.
It is finally summer again. Thomas invites Wanchin to a party of a friend that owns a house near the beach. Wanchin asks Thomas whether Sifong could come along to the party. “Sure.” Thomas is easy going. Sifong on the other hand says he will join, but will stay only for one night – Friday to Saturday. Wanchin wants to stay the whole weekend – Friday to Sunday. They have a bit of an argument about it: “you want to spend an entire weekend with a man that is in love with you,” Sifong argues. Wanchin is surprised by his reaction: 1. why would Sifong think that Thomas is in love with her? 2. Why does he care? After all he is the one that supports ‘open relationships’. But Sifong is jealous. Wanchin tries to stay calm and explain that she and Thomas are just 2 good friends with 1 passion in common. “Please trust me Sifong.” She begs him.
Wanchin enjoys Friday and Saturday at the party, it looks like both Thomas and Sifong are enjoying it as well. They even exchange a few sentences, it is impressive considering Sifong’s fear from the English language. On Saturday she kisses Sifong while he gets into their car and drives away.
Later that same evening Thomas’ friend prepares cocktails; many different types of cocktails made out of fresh fruit and expensive alcohol. Thomas and Wanchin get a little drunk. Late at night they go and sit on the sand, they listen to the waves’ sound. Suddenly Thomas looks at Wanchin in the eyes and says “I love you Wanchin.” Her hart stops, she is surprised, this statement evokes different feelings in her hart, she is speechless. “I like being your friend, but I want more than that,” he elaborates. “My contract ends in 4 weeks; I will have to fly back to Australia, I wish you would join me.”
Wanchin goes back to the community on Sunday, she doesn’t know what to do, she can not admit to Sifong that he was right. For the first time since she met Thomas she admits to herself that she has feelings for Thomas too. It is strange, she remembers how in love she was with Sifong before they moved to the community, but his unwillingness to commit to her made her suffer, made her close the door behind her, leaving him outside. As a result she opened the door to someone else.
Wanchin is alone on this one. She can definitely not talk about this with Sifong. She cannot share this with her friends from the community either, they will force her to respect the community’s ‘honesty rule’ and tell Sifong. Also her mother is not someone who will support a future romance with a white fellow from Australia. She can only share her thoughts with Thomas. When she does, Thomas gives her strong arguments about why she should come with him to Australia. He tells her about Melbourne, “You will love it!” he says with confidence, “in Melbourne you will be able to choose between at least 10 cultural events every single night of the week. We could live near the beach, we will be happy together.”
15 years have passed since Thomas has invited Wanchin to live with him in Melbourne. Wanchin left Taiwan 15 years ago, after Thomas bought her a one way ticket to Melbourne. She escaped Taiwan like a refugee; packed a bag and fled the country, abandoning the community secretly. By the time she was 4 weeks in Melbourne, she forced herself to contact her mother and tell her where she was. Her mother never forgave her for leaving Taiwan. In those 15 years she only visited her mother 5 times. Her visits were never pleasant, she dreaded them.
In Warragul she met with Sifong, he was there on a business trip, he works in agriculture and was sent to Australia. He contacted her for the first time since 15 years; it was only to tell her that they had never forgiven her for leaving.
