The practice of god

It is Tuesday, the first day of winter in Melbourne. Princes park is empty. The sky is covered by grey clouds, the sun is hiding behind them, it is not warming me up much. A trendy bicycle rider crosses the park, he is in his late 20’s. Thereafter a pedestrian, he is in his teens and wearing a trendy winter hat too.

The park is surrounded by roads, which are surrounded by large terrace houses. I notice 2 outstanding vehicles parked in front of 2 neighboring terrace houses. One vehicle is a white creamy Chevrolet from the 60’s. The other one is a maroon four wheel drive. The 4wd is as explained to me, a bogan’s vehicle; a caravan is towed behind it. The owners of these vehicles are standing outside, leaning on a white fence and having an afternoon conversation.

Typically, you would see in American movies that talk about perfect families this type of white fence. The white fence is in front of a house that has a straw-like roof. That house has 4 long windows attached to each other. White curtains are hiding the interior of the house.

Richard is one of the tenants of the house behind the white fence. He is facing me. He is tall, I’d say almost 1.85cm. Richard has short, light-brown hair, and a mustache. He doesn’t like to go to the hairdresser, his haircut looks neglected. He is wearing a blue workers shirt.
Bob is standing near Richard; he has a black, red striped footy shirt.
Margaret is Tommy’s mother. Margaret and Tommy are also standing there. Margaret throws a tennis ball to Tommy, she tries to entertain him for as long as possible, so she won’t have to go inside and be alone with him.

Margaret is Richard’s wife. She likes him but doesn’t love him. Richard too, likes Margaret, but doesn’t love her. They both love Tommy. It’s their only child. Richard is a plumber. He is a trustworthy plumber, a serious plumber. Bob says that he is an intellectual plumber. It is not rare that Richard goes to a client, fixes a dropping shower, and then sits with the client around the table, talks about religion or actuality and eats sushi, curry or what ever is served on that table.

Richard loves the fact that he lives near a park. Often, when the air is quiet and dry, he puts on his navy blue flannel jacket, walks to the nearest by grass patch with his black bible, and steps on the grass to read; he walks towards the cricket ground and reads the bible. Walking and reading outside inspires him. Margaret does not approve of this, “you look ridiculous, you look like a priest,” she tells him every time. But in the bottom of her remarks there’s jealousy. Every moment that she has to stay home alone with Tommy reminds her that her life is flat and empty. Richard likes reading outside because he can get fresh air, feel the damp grass under his feet, and at the same time connect to god. Margaret does not connect to the same god as Richard. One wonders whether Margaret connects to Richard at all.

Margaret inherited from her dad the beautiful white Chevrolet. She also inherited from her parents the 5 bedroom house facing Princes park. In addition, 10 years ago, Margaret inherited from her parents a large sum of money. There’s in her possession enough money for a life time. It is enough money for her and Tommy to live comfortably without her ever having to take on a day job. Together with Richard’s salary they have more than enough resources.

Margaret’s parents thought they were doing her a big favor by leaving her that many resources. Margaret thought that they were doing her a big favor too. But Richard knows that they actually perturbed her.
Margaret feels redundant. She has no goals, no interests, no focus, and no reason to get out of bed in the morning. That is why Richard agreed to have a baby with her. In fact, he was sorry for her, sorry for her sensation of inutility.
They hoped that a baby will give her sense and direction. 6 years ago, it did. However, Tommy is now 6 years old; he goes to school, plays with other children, spends time playing computer games, and twice a week he participates in scouts activities. As time goes by, he needs his mother less and less.

Margaret has been taking anti-depressant pills for 8 years now; she started a psychological treatment 2 years after she got married. She lost a lot of friends in the process. She was so depressed that she was not able to explain her friends what is happening to her, so she stopped being in contact, disappeared. Her social life degraded even more after she had Tommy. She didn’t invest any time in the few friends she had left. For these reasons, Bob the neighbor is one of her only friends now. Before he had become a friend, Margaret considered him a bogan.

Bob drinks vast amounts of beer, and his house is dirty. His television is turned on from the moment he walks in through the door and till the moment he goes to sleep. When Tommy was born Margaret had to go to Bob’s several times and ask him to lower down the volume; she could clearly hear which program he was watching too, all the way through to her house. Strangely enough the conflicts about the television’s volume got her to know Bob.

One Saturday, when Margaret went to Bob’s to ask him to lower the Television’s volume, he opened the door for her wearing fluffy white clothes. This was quite a change from his usual jeans and T-shirts. “I am going to a meditation workshop,” he explained. Margaret was surprised. However, that day Bob introduced her to Osho meditation.

Osho is a unique guru. Bob and Margaret adore him. Together, they listen to his lectures and watch his video tapes. Margaret and Bob go 4 times a week, between 5pm to 6pm, to Kundalini meditation; this happens when the sun sets.
There’s also a Melbournian spiritual teacher representing Osho. He gave Margaret a new name - Maayana. He gave Tommy a new name as well - Sinai.
Richard however, refuses to change Tommy’s name. “He will have double personality issues,” he says. Richard gets crazy when he hears Margaret call Tommy by his Osho name. Moreover, he gets really angry when Margaret asks Tommy to call her Maayana. He, Richard, uses Margaret’s birth name only. He uses Tommy’s birth name only.
Richard is happy that Margaret found some kind of light in her life, he too believes in god, but lately Margaret has become extreme in her practice and belief. It has become a social barrier. Margaret has become a vegan, therefore they had to stop going to dinner parties. She stopped drinking alcohol, she wakes up at 5am to do the dynamic meditation, and she spends more time with Bob than with Richard. She constantly talks about divinity, higher power, the light, god, and Bob. Richard is tired. For years he had been losing his wife and the mother of his child to depression; now he is losing her to a religion or to some kind of eastern cult. He is sad.

On Wednesday night, Margaret and Richard finally go to bed at the same moment. Richard would have liked to make love to his wife, but they don’t do that anymore. He makes an attempt to touch her; he lies close to her while his body is touching hers. She whispers, “All I ever wanted is for someone to love me.” Then she turns her back to him, and moves to the edge of the bed. She puts distance between her and Richard; it’s as if he had some kind of a contagious disease. Tears come out of his eyes, how can she blame him for not loving her, she can’t even see him, she is obsessed with Osho, and Bob. She had changed so much.

Richard remembers living with his parents in the cattle station in the northern territories, it was always only the 3 of them – Richard his mom and his dad. They lived on a remote land in the bush; he used to feel very lonely, having only animals to play with. But now, in his wife’s house, near Princes park, in a city of 4 million people, he feels more lonely than ever.

There’s an Osho open day on Saturday, Margaret and Bob volunteered to help organize the event. They will stay there as of Friday evening and prepare the space and the activities for Saturday. They will have a dance meditation on Friday evening.
Richard and Margaret don’t see each other at all on Friday. Margaret leaves a note behind:

“Dear Richard, I am off to an Osho weekend, please look after Tommy.
Enjoy the weekend, Maayani.”

On Friday evening Richard has an early dinner with Tommy. He prepares Cod fish with Broccoli in the oven. Tommy is in a good mood, and talks about his day at school. While Tommy talks Richard thinks about his failed marriage, about his wife who solely is disappearing from his life. Suddenly, he realizes that the only way to win his wife back is to communicate with her on the same level! He must try and get into Osho as well, he must force himself to get interested in Osho activities, he must try and see the same light that Margaret sees. He smiles to Tommy. “What do you think dad?” Tommy asks, but Richard hadn’t been listening. “Sorry Tommy, think about what?” “Can I go play video games at Mark’s place tonight? His mother said I could stay overnight.” Richard thinks for a moment, “sure son, why not.” Richard drops Tommy at Mark’s place. He does some chatting with Mark’s dad and thanks him for the hospitality. He will come and pick Tommy up on Saturday afternoon.

Richard is alone in the car, his son is already grown enough to spend the night outside of the house; his wife too. What about him? He drives home, yet while driving he decides to drive to the Osho center to visit Margaret. He goes back home and checks The Melbourne Osho center website. They have rented the St Brigids Parish Hall in North Fitzroy for the open day. He gets in the car and drives over there.

There’s a young hippie, bold doorman at the door; he charges Richard 7$ to participate in the dance meditation. He says that it started 1.5 hours ago, but that they are only half way through so Richard could enter and join them.
Richard enters the large hall; there must be about 100 people there, all bare foot. He leaves his shoes at the entrance. There is an Indian like music playing on the background, mainly flute and percussion. There’s a large diversity of people dancing, all look pretty hippie. The women are wearing long colorful skirts, and fluffy white shirts. The men are mostly wearing fluffy white, red or black pants from delicate materials; their shirts are in matching color and material. Richard doesn’t see Margaret yet. He dares to walk into the crowd, he feels heavy and boring as he walks around the dancing bodies, desperately looking for his wife. He can’t find her. He leans on the left wall of the hall, and tries to scan the space carefully.

Suddenly he sees her, next to Bob, both of them moving their bodies very slowly, as if the music was twice as mellow as what it actually is. His instinct tells him to walk over there and drag his wife away from this sensual dance, but he stays put and watches them for a while longer. Bob is turning around Margaret; she has a steady smile on her face. They don’t notice his staring at all as they are busy staring intensely at each other. Bob touches her hair and tucks it behind her ears. From time to time they give each other kisses on the neck. Is this the practice of god? After about 3 quarter of an hour he finally walks over to them. Margaret spots him before Bob does, her look stays calm. She touches Bob on the shoulder to give him a sign that Richard is present in the room. Bob too keeps a calm facial expression when he sees Richard. He approaches Richard and shakes his hand. For no good reason, Richard actually shakes his hand back. Bob doesn’t let go of Richard’s hand and leads him towards a dance with Margaret and him. Richard dances with them for a while, until Margaret leans towards him and hugs him. She gives him a long warm hug.

Daniel

Princes park is enlightened by a blue sky and sunshine. It seems that when the sun is shining there are more people that can afford living ‘the park life’ than when the sky is gray. There are only small patches of grass covered by shade, most of the grass is enlightened and bright. Right in the middle of the park, where the sun is clearly present, sits a girl wearing a woolen green sweater with patterns of white flowers around the shoulders.

Her name is Rachel. She lies down on the grass and tries to find a comfortable position. She is never entirely comfortable. She covers her face with a green scarf and tries to step into a dream. But Dogma, her black Labrador sniffs her face before she gets the opportunity to fall asleep. She lifts her upper body and sits down again. She checks her phone for messages. No one has tried to contact her.
Today she took a day off. For no good reason she feels nostalgic today. She enjoys the atmosphere in the park: the silence of the space, the birds’ chirping and the light breeze.

She writes a text message to her ex lover, she misses him. He normally, does not answer her messages. He lives in Darwin now. He won’t admit it, but he left Melbourne because of her.
She puts on her sunglasses, hoping to hide her moist eyes. She’s been alone for two years now. She is alone because of herself, because she was not able to love fully. She was not able to feel content in that relationship; she counted her love to Daniel as if love could be measured by quantities, and this, this constant counting frustrated her.

Daniel dissevers better. He is the type of guy that's loved by most people. Everyone who meets Daniel adores him immediately and desires his company. Except Rachel. She was not able to appreciate him in this way. She wasn’t able to stand behind him all the way through. She wasn’t able to commit just to him.

When Daniel got the job in Darwin he insisted she will make a choice. It was moving to Darwin with him and by that committing only to him or staying in Melbourne without him. She could have moved with him. There was nothing stopping her from doing so beside her own uncertainty about Daniel.

Daniel works as a sound technician. He left his parents’ house as soon as he could and celebrated his 18’s birthday in a share house in St. Kilda. While living near the beach and being surrounded by restless young people he celebrated his independence and adult life. For a few years he used to go out almost every night and in fact sleep around with many different types of women. It was a period in his life.

However, after a while he got over it. He gradually desired more and more to be with one person, one person only. Perhaps one beautiful and kind girl who will take care of him and will be there for him when he feels happy or when he feels sad. He wanted to go back home to a soul mate who will want him there, who will have things to tell him, who will want to listen to his tails. Then, when he was ready for a steady relationship, he met Rachel. The first three months with Rachel were the most beautiful months in his life.

He saw her three times before he had the opportunity to spend time alone with her. The first time they met was in a random house party near the city; they met on the dance floor and danced together for at least two hours. She was the most energetic and glamorous girl on the dance floor, everyone was looking at her. She closed her eyes and swung to the sound of tracks from the 70’s. She was tall, almost as tall as him, and had large bright green eyes.

He stared at her, waiting for her to open her eyes so he could look at them. Whenever she would open her eyes, she would smile to him. He bought her a glass of whiskey with no ice. That night she wore a tight black jeans and a navy blue top. He was amazed that she could look so elegant wearing simple clothes. In the end of that evening it was Rachel who actually asked Daniel if they could exchange phone numbers. They exchanged numbers yet it was him who called her a couple of days later. He invited her for dinner at his house along with four other friends. She came to his house and was happy and talkative; she got along well with his mates and liked the home made tomato sauce he had prepared.

The third time they met it was Rachel who invited Daniel to a screening at a friend’s place. Her friend had prepared two double mattresses near each other with a lot of pillows on them. Rachel’s friends hang out on the mattresses. They were this kind of hippies from the ‘touching’ kind.

In the screening there was him, two other guys, and four girls. They lay on each other, one person’s head on another person’s lap. Daniel was more of a shy character when it came to physical contact. He never actually knew how to go about touch. He lied on his back next to Rachel without touching anybody. Instead of watching he prayed during the entire movie that he will get to feel Rachel’s warmth. In the middle of the film Rachel leaned her head on his shoulder. That was all the touching there was, but feeling her made him emotional, that night he fell in love.

Daniel’s mind was agitated. At 2am, while seated in a taxi on the way home, he got a text message from Rachel: “twas good to see you tonight, note your dancing moves!”

He answered: “Thanks for having me.”

When he got home. He was passionate, excited, anxious. He thought about every single thing that had happened. He analyzed every word or touch he shared with Rachel. He even wrote a poem in his diary:

A storm of feelings
Is it the kind of storm that passes after a couple of days?
I hope this love can come true
Probably not
Tiredness, anxiousness and soberness make me feel lost
I wish we could cuddle in each others arms

At 2.30am at night he still couldn’t sleep, he could not handle his perturbed mind, so he wrote his thoughts down in his diary as they came through, bothering his mind, thought by thought:

“I wonder why she told me to ‘note my dancing moves’, we haven’t gone dancing tonight, we haven’t made any plans to go dancing, what did she mean? Why didn’t she just wish me good night? Why did she not kiss me goodbye when I left to go home? I was quiet and shy the entire evening, what did she think of me? Does she still like me? Does she like girls or boys? Was there a hidden sign in her enthusiasm when I told her that I would have liked to live in Brunswick too? (This is where she lives). Did she hope we will find ourselves in the same tent when I talked about my trip to the outback? Did I upset her when I asked her for a lot of details about her own planed trip to the outback? (She didn’t know most of the answers, she still had to check it out, she said). Did I give her the impression that I am a nerd by writing her only a short and polite reply to her text message? Does she think that I’m square and conservative? (I don’t hug my friends in the same way that she does). Will I be able to share her cuddles, touch and love with other people? Will I be satisfied with the love she may offer me? Will this love ever be given to me? Did she expect me to initiate touch when her head touched my shoulder? Was I supposed to grab her hand? Hug her? What was I supposed to do? I wish I knew what I was supposed to do. Did she want to let me know that she likes me by giving me compliments? (She told me that I was intelligent and funny). I wish I knew what she meant. She gave me compliments, which I cannot remember. I can only remember that she told me that I was cute. She said: cute, intelligent and funny. What else did she say? Did she really watch the movie? While I was thinking of her? (During the entire movie I was thinking of her, of her touch and my actions; I haven’t followed the movie at all). Will she dream about me tonight? By telling her that I haven’t had a girlfriend for a long time did she conclude that as she believes, 'it is impossible to find only one person to share your life with?'“

Daniel felt better after writing these questions on paper. He wished he could show it to her one day and laugh about his hesitations together with her. Perhaps it will flatter her and she will give him the answers and explain things. He wished that his hesitations will stay hesitations, yet that this wonderful person will once like him, and maybe love him forever.

A gay man’s love

There’s a young guy in his late twenties sitting just behind me on a bench. He looks a little gay and sounds a little gay too. He is in his late 20’s, he’s wearing his sunglasses on his forehead, he’s been sitting on the bench since I’ve arrived here, facing the bay as well. He is conducting a conversation with a young black woman who is wearing African traditional clothes, it is a white-pink dress and flat black shoes. He is talking most of the time, yet when she talks, she uses her hands and talks passionately. They seem to have a pleasant conversation. They laugh from time to time and never have a silent moment.

Let’s call him Gerard. Gerard is gay. He was born in Traralgon – Gippsland, where he was regularly abused because of his strong feminine side. He was unhappy and bored during his adolescence. When he moved to Melbourne he found his freedom. He started going out with boys. He never doubted that he likes boys. He is not attracted to girls at all. However, his parents don’t speak to him anymore.

Her name is Litivi. She emigrated from Ethiopia to Australia when she was 9. She remembers Ethiopia and its tradition clearly. She tries to maintain her Ethiopian tradition in Melbourne. She lives at home with her parents, although she’s 27 already. Her parents expect her to marry a black guy, he doesn’t have to be from Ethiopia, anywhere in Africa is ok.

Litivi and Gerard know each other from the organic market. Litivi sells in the market special Ethiopian dishes, and Gerard visits the organic market regularly. Gerard loves the food she makes and is present at her stall as often as he can. This is how they started talking. One time Gerard suggested to have coffee after the market, Litiwi agreed to join him. Since then they have been seeing each other several times each week, not only at the market.

They discovered that they’ve got much in common. After Gerard finished his Photography degree he volunteered in a school in Ethiopia for two months as an English teacher. He loves the Ethiopian culture, he loves Ethiopian food, loves African music in general and loves the company of positive people.

Litivi loves white native Australian people. She doesn’t actually have many close white friends, yet would love to have some. Living in white Australia, yet not having the essential contacts with the mainstream locals makes her feel disconnected.

Litivi looks like a happy young person. I would think so because as I’ve mentioned before she talks in a passionate way. She looks like the type of people that live life using its full potential. But in the bottom of her heart she is sad. She feels guilty that her parents had to suffer so much before they arrived to Melbourne. In the meanwhile she’s got every thing she wants to have, and yet, she isn’t content. She feels blocked inside herself, unproductive and helpless. Lately she’s been talking to Gerard about these feelings and thoughts. He is a good listener. He listens yet immediately afterwards tells his own stories. He doesn’t really react to what she says, he might not know what to say. He usually complains about heterosexuals and their narrow-mindness. For instance he told Litiwi how upset he was when he noticed that when he walked hand in hand with Ben, the guy he’s been seeing in the last months, people just kept on staring at their hands, and thereafter at their faces, as if they were animals in the zoo.

On Sunday evening, after the markets, Gerard took Litwi to a Japanese restaurant on Brunswick street. A cool dude with a dark brown leather jacket stared at them. A fat motorbike fellow with a long red beard looked at them. For a moment he thought that this was because Litiwi is so beautiful, but unfortunately it wasn’t the reason for the staring. When the bum on the street whispered to them, “white is beautiful,” he understood that it was Litiwi’s black skin that made people look at them, again as if they were animals in the zoo. Even now that he is not with a man but with a beautiful Ethiopian woman, society @ Fitzroy doesn’t accept him.

Gerard looked at Litiwi, “You know I am gay, but in any case I think YOU are beautiful!” he told her, he blushed a bit, which is exceptional for Gerard. Not many things embarrass him, but because he knew she was kind of traditional he wasn’t sure he was allowed to say that. She in return told him, “you are the most beautiful gay guy I know”. He was the only gay guy she knew, but that didn’t matter, she was sure she will never meet a more beautiful gay guy. Gerard was beautiful from inside. He made her feel beautiful by the intense looks he had been giving her.

“I am thinking to start reading the old testament, I have never red it before, it interests me because--” Gerard stopped her, “I think--” he started a sentence yet immediately realized that he is more interested in what Litiwi has to say than in his silly declarations about the old testament, which he had probably picked up from a television program anyway. Gerard decided to listen as much as possible to what Litiwi has to say.

“Sorry, go ahead,” he tells her, she goes on explaining that the old testament is surely as interesting as any other literature, or even more, and she is going to try and read it as a book, as a story, without the religious implications.

While they are eating fresh sushi Gerard thinks about Litiwi as a model for his photographs. It is amazing to see a woman originated from Africa eating Sushi. If he could take a picture of this moment, it could teach Fitzroy people about real cultural diversity. He would like to photograph Litiwi but perhaps this will offend her. He wouldn’t want to loose her, she is a special lady.

Litiwi is confused, she is 27, it is by far an age for major decisions, for settling down, it is especially expected from her by her family. But she does not know what she wants, she was never good in taking decisions. Should she go to a big trip to Africa to discover her origins, like her brother did when he was her age? Should she hook up with the next best black fellow she meets and get married with him, and have children? Should she save up together with her older sister Eti and open an Ethiopian organic restaurant in Brunswick as Eti pressures her to do? Should she rebel and leave her parents’ house as a single woman after all? Should she go do a master degree in sociology like her best friend Diti is doing?
Because of all these questions and options she is not doing anything, she is stuck in her routine, living at home with her parents and her three older brothers, doing the markets every weekend together with Eti, preparing the so well known Ethiopian dishes every day to the businesses that are willing to buy them. She hasn’t eaten the flat round Ethiopian bred for six months now, it repulses her. Litiwi is not taking any decisions, she is following life, life is certainly not following her.

“Listen Litiwi,” Gerard finally puts the request on the table, although in a different format. (Let’s forget about the sushi picture for a moment, he thinks to himself).
“I have a proposal for you, I would like to take a few pictures of you, see how you look in front of a camera, if it works out perhaps we could do a project together, I could photograph you, you know, with landscape of Victoria for example, you have seen my work already right? It could be useful for you too, for your curriculum. In any case, it is always nice to have some sharp photos of yourself. Would this be something you would be interested to do? He tries to make it sound attractive, as if it was a one time chance, he is concerned she will not be interested because of her tradition, because she is a modest woman, because she has to deal with her difference-ness every day and might not want to be put under even stronger spotlights.

Litiwi is excited! The night when she first saw Gerard’s pictures, she was charmed, she loved his work; but more importantly that night she dreamt that Gerard takes pictures of her, and she becomes famous, she becomes known in Melbourne. In fact she becomes known all over Australia. She dreamt that she travels around the world with Gerard to all of his Gallery openings, and everywhere they go people are delighted to meet her, recognize her from the pictures. Every Australian knows her name, she gets many interviews, people know all about her. She is an Australian icon. That leads to job interviews, which leads to her dream job. She becomes a spokes woman for an Australian-Ethiopian organization; she helps young Ethiopians integrate into western societies.
Even more exciting than that, during this moment of fame, Litiwi finally falls in love, for the first time in her life, she falls in love with a gay man, who loves her back.

Gerard takes Litwi for a picture session.

Stories from the park

Where there are people there are stories...

I decided to live each day as if it was the last day of my life. I have some savings, so as long as I manage my money sensibly I should be able to survive in a pleasant way for a while. I am 31 which is when you are expected to enter the serious period of your life. I won’t get into where I’m from, cause I’m from many places.

I took some things and traveled to Australia. At first I planed to try and write a novel, but when I noticed that every day is full of new experiences, I decided to focus on everyday, not on a life time. I have something new to tell everyday, or almost everyday. Backgrounds and futures are overrated because the present moment is the most exciting one, and the thoughts about what the present moment can lead to.

I decided to “live” in the park. I left home at around 12h and cycled to the nearest by park- off Lygon street. I took everything I need with me; Sandwiches, an orange, a carrot, my little notebook, and my laptop. I first did Yoga exercises. Then I had lunch, and finally I started the laptop. It didn’t recognize an internet connection, which is good as this will prevent distractions. Another advantage is that at home I end up writing about my miseries, but in the park there are so many wonderful things to look at, I never get sad in the park!

At the moment there’s a class of adolescences training for footy, A young Rastaman walking his dog, and an older man driving a tractor. We are surrounded by people jogging around the park, around them there are trams and cars. I discovered that trees look even more wonderful when I look at them while my head is between my hands and touching the grass in a yoga position.

I have started the ‘stories in the city’ project yesterday during the quest for free sandwiches. A bread brand named Lawson was advertising ‘free sandwiches at the harbor’. What a perfect location for free sandwiches. I cycled to the harbor and found a group of men in suits, outside the watermark café, giving away free sandwiches.
I sat down on the grass, facing the bay. I unwrapped the sandwiches; it was white bread with butter and beef. I usually go healthy, but since it was free I ate it anyway.
To my left I saw a large bridge, in front of me I saw a large sun. The sky was spotless blue. I could see the moon already waiting for the night to fall down.

Looking back

This is my first train trip from Gippsland to Melbourne. The bottom of the train windows reach my feet, it is a fancy train. The passengers can see each other’s heads, there are no head rests. It is only 5.30pm yet it’s already dark outside.

An Asian woman is sitting diagonally in front of me. She takes off her high hill shoe and nylon sock, and lays her foot on the opposite seat; her toenails are painted red. She is a small woman, her foot hardly reaches the seat.

Her name is Wanchin. She is married plus 2. She is traveling from Warragul to Melbourne. She has a sever look on her face, she looks sad. Whenever my eyes cross hers she turns her head away; she is looking out the window, on the few apparent industrial lights. From time to time she turns her head to the middle, puffs, and closes her eyes.

Behind her closed eyes she sees her mother who she left behind in Taiwan a long time ago. Wanchin’s father died when she was 8 months old, she never got the chance to meet him. Wanchin’s mother remarried and lived happily although resenting Wanchin for leaving her.

Before Wanchin left Taiwan, she lived in an alternative community just near the southern city Tainan. In Taiwan, it is not very common to leave your parents’ house before you get married. But Wanchin and her best friends decided that they must live as individuals, outside of their parents’ houses, and they wanted to live together.

Wanchin’s group of friends consisted of 2 boys: David and Sifong, and 4 girls: Jill, Alvy, Lee and Wanchin. They were a group of young people from Taipei; in their 20’s, idealistic and activists.

David and Jill had been together for 4 years already. They loved each other deeply and had no doubts about their relationship. Wanchin and Sifong formed the second couple in the group.

Sifong used to smoke recklessly, one rollie after the other, he was a champion in rolling champion rollies and joints. He used to wear long colorful shirts that reached his knees, with tight leggings; he dressed like a guy that didn’t know he was a guy. He was not sure about his identity as a male but Wanchin loved him anyway, deeply. She expressed her love repeatedly, with no hesitation or fear. She believed this was what Sifong needed. However, Sifong wasn’t able to say the word ‘love’; when Wanchin asked him about it, he used to answer that he was familiar with several types of love and therefore this word was meaningless to him. Wanchin asked him to use another word, so that she could be sure that he had feelings for her. Sifong invented then the expression ‘close the door’. He explained: “when I ask you to ‘close the door’ it means that we will share an intimate moment, it means that I need you, that I need your warmth.

Sifong started to say ‘please close the door’, or ‘let’s close the door’ or ‘we should close the door’ very often. Wanchin liked it a lot in the beginning; she felt that not only had Sifong loved her, but he had also dedicated an exclusive phrase to express it.

At first, the other members of the community did not understand what this phrase meant, but after a while they adopted the expression, and used it as well when they wanted a moment of intimacy with someone. Sifong used it with Wanchin, but also with Alvy and Lee. Wanchin was a little disappointed, ‘closing the door’ did not happen only between her and Sifong, every one could close the door. Sifong could close the door with different people behind it.

Wanchin and her 5 best friends created their own community 40k outside of Tainan. They had bought together land with a one floor old sawing factory building. They found themselves far away from their families and friends, which was difficult yet at the same time a relief. They didn’t have to deal with the criticism and comments related to their alternative community.

They planned to create their shared home in the factory. To begin with they simply divided the space into 6 equally large rooms using colorful curtains. Each community member had his own individual space.

David and Jill decided to use one space as their bedroom, and the other as a music room. They stored their music instruments, computers and notes in that room. The others planned to build a communal shed outside, which will be used as their rehearsal space when they will create music or performances.

Sifong and Wanchin did not pick one shared space for the both of them. “When we will want to sleep together we will, either in your space or in mine, but we don’t need to sleep together every night.” Sifong said to Wanchin while disregarding her upset expression.

There were no doors in this community space. After Lee pointed this out, Sifong stopped saying that the door should be opened or closed. However, Wanchin kept on telling Sifong that she loved him.

Wanchin is happy in the community; she works in the national park in Tainan as a support manager, making sure all visitors of the park are satisfied and enjoying themselves. In the community, they cook together every night; she gets leftovers for lunch, and weekend breakfasts are the best breakfasts ever. When she comes home she gets hugs from her friends, if Sifong is not there to great her, there’s always someone else that will give her attention.

This all works well, but somehow after 4 months living in the community Wanchin starts to feel unsatisfied. She doesn’t know what’s the matter with her, the community has been great, this is a dream that came true, so what’s wrong? She realizes that she gets to spend as much time with Sifong as the other community members; she has to share him, which makes her jealous. She never thought she could be jealous of her best friends, but she wishes to be Sifong’s only best friend. Of course she would be glad to be David and Jill’s best friend, Lee’s best friend, and Alvy’s best friend; she just don’t want them to be as close to Sifong as she is.

One day, while Wanchin takes her late morning coffee outside on the bench beneath the green arch, near the many squirrels that are walking around restlessly, at the national park of Tainan, a white fellow in his mid 30’s approaches her and asks for permission to share the bench with her. She answers “sure”.

He is just a little taller than her, has dark blond hair, and blue eyes. He is not especially handsome, but because he sits quietly near her he intrigues her. She would expect that when someone chooses to sit as close to another person as this fellow does, it is because he wants to make conversation, but this person doesn’t attempt any conversation at all.
He could have chosen another bench, it is true to say that the bench she sat on gets plenty of sunshine, but still she wouldn’t have gone sitting near someone else unless she wanted something from him.

She drinks her coffee extremely solely this morning, she takes a sip and lays down the coffee near her laps, drinks a little bit more, and pauses again. She regrets not having a book or reading material with her; after all she must look busy, she can’t just stare at the air with no purpose. Fortunately, there’s still some more coffee to drink.

The foreign man is eating a sandwich, most of the time he looks down, he seems deep in his thoughts, he doesn’t look like someone who’s eager to have conversation. But why, oh why did he sit near her?

Her coffee break is almost over, she should go back to work, if her boss catches her outside he may think that she always takes longer breaks than accepted. But she cannot leave, she would like to talk to a white man, she has never talked to a white man before. She will not leave before the man leaves.

She looks directly to his face, but he doesn’t seem to care or notice her, he doesn’t look at her, he is in his own world. How can she start a conversation with him? She would like to talk to him. He physically invaded her space, so now she must learn more about him; this is basic human curiosity: ‘have some kind of communication with those who invade your private space.’

She finally comes up with something to say, she will ask him about the sandwich, she is interested to know where you can get sandwiches around the park. As far as she knows you can only get warm dishes around there, rice and noodles, that’s it. She hesitates whether to talk Chinese to him, or English. She decides to try Chinese, after all they are in Taiwan, and her English is not very good.

“Excuse me, may ask you where you got this sandwich?” she asks. He looks at her, with a rather indifferent expression, and says in bad Chinese, “I do not speak Chinese”. Ok she will have to try and ask the same question in English. She thinks a little and finds the right words. He answers with the name of the street where he got the sandwich; a short answer. She does not understand which street it is due to his strong accent, but does not want to shame him, so she decides not to ask again. The conversation has reached a dead end rather quickly. They are quiet again. Damm, a street name is not exactly a fulfilling conversation.

Wanchin hesitates whether she should leave or try another topic. However, what else can she say? They are quiet for a moment, till she finds something else to ask: “Do you mind keeping this seat for me? I will be back in a minute.” “Sure,” he says. She walks to the nearby public toilets, enters the complex and walks back instantly. “Have you seen a man with green uniform pass by?” She asks. Her boss might be walking around the park; she might as well have the man give her this information. “No, I haven’t seen anybody at all, why do you ask?”
Finally! She broke his silence and there is an exchange of words between them, they are having a conversation. “He is my manger and might be looking for me.” “Do you work here?” He enquires, “Yes, I sure do, do you work around here as well?” she answers with a question.

He works around there too, he is a professional dancer, contemporary ballet dancer, and he is dancing for the Tainan contemporary dance company, he has a 6 months contract with them. He comes from Australia, Melbourne, he travels back and forth to Australia regularly to visit his family and friends. “In fact, I’m going back to Australia for a visit in 2 weeks time.” He tells her.

Wanchin loves contemporary dance, she has seen many dance performances, professional and less professional. However, since she hooked up with Sifong she hardly ever goes to see dance; Sifong is not really interested to see ballet performances.

She is excited to talk to a professional dancer, they talk about Asian dance groups, he knows all the big names, but there are some groups Wanchin knows and the Australian fellow doesn’t. She tries to impress him with names although it has been so long ago that she was active in the dance scene; she can’t remember many names.

They chat for another 10 minutes, and then he says, “I’ve got to go, but I’ll give you my email address, there are some interesting events coming up, I can keep you updated.” She gladly inserts his email address into her iPhone address book.

The Australian fellow’s name is Thomas. She is pleased to have met him; she hopes to meet him again soon, perhaps to join him to a dance performance.

The next morning Wanchin writes Thomas a message. She reminds him to update her about upcoming performances. He answers 24 hours later: “I will let you know, could also meet for a drink.” A cold and short message yet hopefully well intended. The fact that he is a dancer makes him much more attractive in her eyes than the image she had of him when he first sat down next to her. After all, he must have a perfect body; a dancer is surely a dancer in his private life as well. She wonders whether he is gay, as many male dancers are - as far as she knows. She wonders what type of relationship he is after, being a white man and all, perhaps he just wants to make some local friends, perhaps friendship is all he needs. ‘Friendship is probably the best scenario for me too’ – she tells herself. While thinking about this ‘best’ scenario, she feels a twitch in her chest, she knows she is lying.

Wanchin and Thomas meet in Tainan for a private house dance performance. It is a friend of Thomas that organizes a one hour duo classic ballet gig at his parents’ villa. Wanchin feels special; she is an exclusive guest among only 30 people that get to see this private performance. The performance is lovely, “I enjoyed every minute, thank you.” She tells Thomas while he drives her back home. That night does not clarify Thomas’s intentions, but in any case she comes to like him, she certainly enjoyed the evening with him.

Sifong lets her know that he is happy for her. “I am glad you met someone passionate about dance, I am happy he is taking you to dance performances, it makes me feel less guilty.” He smiles.

Since the private house performance Thomas and Wanchin meet quite frequently. Thomas does not have many close friends in Tainan yet he is well informed about cultural events in town. He knows about alternative dance events, theater pieces, and exhibition openings. Wanchin calls him her ‘cultural partner’. After all, when a the type of relationship is defined it is easier to understand it.

It is finally summer again. Thomas invites Wanchin to a party of a friend that owns a house near the beach. Wanchin asks Thomas whether Sifong could come along to the party. “Sure.” Thomas is easy going. Sifong on the other hand says he will join, but will stay only for one night – Friday to Saturday. Wanchin wants to stay the whole weekend – Friday to Sunday. They have a bit of an argument about it: “you want to spend an entire weekend with a man that is in love with you,” Sifong argues. Wanchin is surprised by his reaction: 1. why would Sifong think that Thomas is in love with her? 2. Why does he care? After all he is the one that supports ‘open relationships’. But Sifong is jealous. Wanchin tries to stay calm and explain that she and Thomas are just 2 good friends with 1 passion in common. “Please trust me Sifong.” She begs him.

Wanchin enjoys Friday and Saturday at the party, it looks like both Thomas and Sifong are enjoying it as well. They even exchange a few sentences, it is impressive considering Sifong’s fear from the English language. On Saturday she kisses Sifong while he gets into their car and drives away.

Later that same evening Thomas’ friend prepares cocktails; many different types of cocktails made out of fresh fruit and expensive alcohol. Thomas and Wanchin get a little drunk. Late at night they go and sit on the sand, they listen to the waves’ sound. Suddenly Thomas looks at Wanchin in the eyes and says “I love you Wanchin.” Her hart stops, she is surprised, this statement evokes different feelings in her hart, she is speechless. “I like being your friend, but I want more than that,” he elaborates. “My contract ends in 4 weeks; I will have to fly back to Australia, I wish you would join me.”

Wanchin goes back to the community on Sunday, she doesn’t know what to do, she can not admit to Sifong that he was right. For the first time since she met Thomas she admits to herself that she has feelings for Thomas too. It is strange, she remembers how in love she was with Sifong before they moved to the community, but his unwillingness to commit to her made her suffer, made her close the door behind her, leaving him outside. As a result she opened the door to someone else.

Wanchin is alone on this one. She can definitely not talk about this with Sifong. She cannot share this with her friends from the community either, they will force her to respect the community’s ‘honesty rule’ and tell Sifong. Also her mother is not someone who will support a future romance with a white fellow from Australia. She can only share her thoughts with Thomas. When she does, Thomas gives her strong arguments about why she should come with him to Australia. He tells her about Melbourne, “You will love it!” he says with confidence, “in Melbourne you will be able to choose between at least 10 cultural events every single night of the week. We could live near the beach, we will be happy together.”

15 years have passed since Thomas has invited Wanchin to live with him in Melbourne. Wanchin left Taiwan 15 years ago, after Thomas bought her a one way ticket to Melbourne. She escaped Taiwan like a refugee; packed a bag and fled the country, abandoning the community secretly. By the time she was 4 weeks in Melbourne, she forced herself to contact her mother and tell her where she was. Her mother never forgave her for leaving Taiwan. In those 15 years she only visited her mother 5 times. Her visits were never pleasant, she dreaded them.

In Warragul she met with Sifong, he was there on a business trip, he works in agriculture and was sent to Australia. He contacted her for the first time since 15 years; it was only to tell her that they had never forgiven her for leaving.